Exceptional Student Work: 'About That Looming, Humiliating Feeling.'
In which a humble film major from a Hawaiian island contemplates ambition, trajectory, and the definition of success
Ramana W. is the kind of sly, casual guy who glides into class a few minutes late, clutching an iced coffee he bought from a cart on campus. I know he just bought it, because I watched him standing in line, smiling vacantly, as I myself walked over to the classroom. On time.
Why get the coffee? What’s behind that smile? Who is this guy?
I never know all of what’s going on in your lives. I do my best to get to know each of you. My greatest source of information is your writing. I try.
With his latest mini-essay, Ramana jumped more significantly into focus. He remains mysterious to me but there’s something electric in this piece of writing.
I find it poignant, raw, fascinating, and utterly mesmerizing. Let me know what you think!
The Thrill of the Chase
By Ramana W.
Throughout my life, I’ve actively considered why people do things. Not because I was particularly interested in the specifics, but because I was mystified about motivation. Some people are so clear-cut that they state, “I want to become an engineer,” as a kid, and then devote their entire lives to that mission. Me? I’m directionless.
And it’s shameful. I feel separate from others because I’ve never felt the excitement of learning something or getting good at it. I played tennis for years only to be average at it at best. It felt like I simply “survived” high school. People talk about the “runners high.” I never experienced it, even after a whole year of running cross country for my high school. I have hobbies, like playing video games, scuba diving, and going to the beach, but they’re exactly that: hobbies. I get asked why I’m passionate about film by an excited face only for my mouth to drone on vaguely about my reasons on autopilot and my eyes to watch, in dismay, as that person’s smile slowly melts away.
I want to be GREAT at something because I’m passionate about it, but I lack the thrill of the chase. Maybe it’s my personality, maybe something is just wrong with my brain. It’s a key element everyone I’ve known except me possesses.
My favorite days are in the summer when there’s nothing to think about or do but exist. I watch a movie because the space it occupies is comfortable or known to me. Porco Rosso, for example, is the perfect viewing experience because it’s a combination of visuals of summer relaxation and comfort in the familiar. I read books such as A Gentleman in Moscow or The Remains of the Day because the passive words of those novels are gentle on my eyes. People live day to day and nothing extraordinary ever happens.
I think, perhaps, I’ve become placid in my life’s trajectory. I don’t even think of it like a trajectory, because I’m too scared to look at what’s ahead. I’m too scared to take initiative, and instead, I let people and places take me where they decide is best for me. Sometimes I like where I end up, sometimes I don’t. But I always have the looming, humiliating feeling of not being able to do anything for myself.
I’m so consumed by the fear of failure, that I fail to consider the magnificence of success. I find that admiring people at a distance is my only way to motivate myself. There are those one in a million people, that inspire you and uplift you beyond compare, such as my English teacher from 8th grade named Mr. Conrad. It is through analyzing these characters that I find my own strength, which is part of the reason I chose to go into film. Larger-than-life characters are who dominate the screen and inspire me every day.
PS: If you’re free tonight check out this event from Latine Film and Theatre Association (LFTA), shared by current student Ingri Mendoza Matias.
The annual Film and Theatre Showcase will take place on April 18th and 19th at 6:00 PM in the Northwest Auditorium (located near Sproul Hall on the Hill). Doors will open at 5:00PM.
This year’s Night of Cultura (NOC) showcase, titled “Unidos en Amor” (United by Love), celebrates and uplifts creative Latine voices through performance and film.
Tickets are free: link
Instragram: @lftaucla
Tiktok: link