Guest Post: Now That the MCAT Is Over

In which former student Andrew Liang stares again at the blinking cursor

Photo by Nicholas Ismael Martinez on Unsplash

Why am I doing this Substack? What’s the point of an email newsletter? Is anyone reading any of this?

I ask myself these questions at times, especially those weeks I’m pressed for time, or when a guest piece I’ve been waiting for comes in needing additiion work, or when a piece I’ve hoped foris still MIA, or when I have some essay I need (or at least want) to write myself.

Why bother?

Well, former student Andrew Liang is the kind of generous, well-meaning guy who reminds me it’s all worth it.

A student in my Winter 2022 Essays in Journalism course, Liang was funny, relentless, thoughtful, and then he wrote a hell of a final paper. I was so happy to hear from him this February, with a quick mini-essay draft he’d written, just for fun.

Or maybe it was for something more than fun.

Anyhow: Why email me? Why write the piece? Moreover, why spend a couple months making it even better?

Because, I think Liang is the kind of guy who cares. I have a feeling I’ll hear from him again, maybe even sooner than in a year.

Gone for a Year

By Andrew Liang

It feels weird to be staring at the blank page again with the cursor blinking back at me. I want to write, let my ideas flow, and hear the hypnotic sound of the keyboard as I type away, but where do I even start? This feeling I’m too familiar with. 

It’s been almost a year since I wrote my last mini-essays. And I’ll be honest, that was the last time I truly wrote. I can feel the build-up rust with each sentence I typed and immediately followed by the backspace key. This feeling reminds me of my first mini-essay, when I struggled until 2 a.m. trying to write a seemingly lengthy one page essay on “who are you not”. You probably wonder why all of a sudden I’m writing again and why I went into hibernation for almost a year. I guess read on?

I read almost all of the essays on the Substack. So many great essays and so many people I could relate to. I kept telling myself that I will write to you after the quarter ends, but I felt like all of a sudden time was stolen from me. I hopped on the MCAT train. Traveling at a suicide speed with no plans on slowing down. When I finally hopped off the train, one year had already gone by.

I woke up this morning around 9am and naturally went on my phone to check emails. A few unread emails and among them two guest posts, one from yesterday, and the other from about two weeks back. I missed the one from two weeks ago because as you could probably guess, I took the damn MCAT that week. That post was written by a pre-med titled, “How to Get a Fuck-You MCAT Score”. As I read the essay, the trauma, the nightmare, the anxiety that pre-meds are all too accustomed to came back to haunt. The spacebar to flip flashcards, the number tag, and the hours spent staring at the laptop are memories that I’m working so hard to forget. It makes me mad to think that I have to wait 22 more days for my score to come out. I'm tired of going to bed knowing that I will dream about questions on the test. I’m sick of my head being occupied with nothing but MCAT all the damn time. And so I write (at least attempt to), hoping for a change, an outlet to turn my stress and anxiety into words on a page and file them away somewhere in my 15GB Google Drive.

I don’t want to talk about my one year journey of preparing for the MCAT nor the test day. It’s too soon, it’s boring, and I’m sure you are too familiar with the process from possibly many hundreds of other pre-meds that you taught before. However, I do want to say that I don’t know if it’s just me or if other people feel the same, but I’m not happier after the MCAT. I was promised a bright, flowery, and playful end of the tunnel after the test, but that was nothing but a lie. The tunnel only seemed to be stretched even further by the thought of applying to medical schools and the stress of finding a job for my gap year.

The more I reminisced about my life before the MCAT, the pictures became more and more vivid. Before the MCAT, I used to run, with the emphasis on “used to”. I ran cross country and track for over 6 years of my life and when I came to college, running was my oulet. Those late night runs through Westwood was my happy place. I always felt at ease listening to the thudding of my rhythmic steps as if they were the metronomes for the silent night. Some people find peace socializing with friends and some people find comfort with family, but for me it’s the solitary and the quietness of the night.

Studying for the MCAT has disrupted many parts of my life. I forgot how to socialize. I forgot how to smile. I missed playing late night basketball with my roommate. I missed those late night runs through Westwood with endorphins rushing through my veins. In the past year studying for the MCAT, I’ve probably ran less times than I could count with my one hand. The most cardio I’ve done in most of the days was walking down my apartment stairs to pour some milk and stale cereal just to bring back up in front of the computer screen to continue studying. 

Now that the MCAT is over, I still don't feel like running. My body is so used to just being stagnant that even the slightest physical activity now feels laborious and unenjoyable. Walking up the Bruinwalk the other day felt like I was pulling up a semi-truck that was tied to my waist. I’m still trying to figure out a way to get back into my running habit, but now job hunting and interviews have replaced the MCAT to eat away my time. I’m graduating this quarter. The door to the next chapter of my life is opening, but am I ready to step through it?